I Would SO Do Him, in a Parallel Universe.

I have been kicking a term around in my head for a while without quite being able to define it: inappropriate crush. By that I don't mean people who cause mating desires on sight, or that you avoid when you're with your spouse. In a sense they are people that I admire or respect, but there's something more to it. My list of inappropriate crushes includes:

• Helen Thomas
• Stephen Colbert
• Rachel Maddow
• Paul Krugman
  
• Neil deGrasse Tyson

I don't reach out to any of these people when in need of sexual fantasy, thus the inappropriate, but I had trouble articulating what I meant by crush. I wrote to Rachel Maddow and warned that while I would never get drunk and hit on her at a party, I might turn into a giggly schoolgirl in her presence. But why not Mike Wallace, John Stewart, or Keith Olbermann (and it's not because of his enormous head, I have a big head, I feel affection for big heads). These three have also touched me, soothed me at times, with their ability to give form to my incoherent rage during the last administration, but there's more to it.

Watching Colbert verbally knife or jerk off a guest without changing expression, leaving the guest and the audience unsure which until reflection, leaves me breathing a little heavily. His performance at the correspondent's dinner made them seek the safety of a comedian I hadn't seen since the Love Boat, the following year. That's sexy. Rachel Maddow's ability to go from giggly to 'I will knife you' seriousness in a moment, without losing her cool or composure is simply hot. If you don't believe me, watch the interview with David Frum where he says people like her are the problem with politics and she makes it clear that he's a callow piece of shit, while remaining gracious.

And then it struck me after watching Neil deGrasse Tyson on the Daily Show. I have no desire to sleep with any of my inappropriate crushes, nor they me. However, if I was so inclined and they were, then I would. But it would never happen in this reality. So my inappropriate crushes are people who I admire and respect, and who touch me in that special way that is in no way sexual in this reality, but would be in a parallel 2nd conditional universe.

Tell me this doesn't make you say, "If we were both so inclined in a parallel universe I would do him."

Rey Mago No Mas

Over the last two weeks I spent 35 hours over 5 days playing the role of Balthazar in Badalona, 20 minutes from the heart of Barcelona. My two fellow kings and I were handing out pamphlets from the city govt. reminding citizens to recycle their electronics. It was a heady, trippy experience, which, surprisingly had less to do with the fact that I wore a cape and crown with blinking lights, than with what I represented. Los Reyes Magos, The Magic Kings, the three kings. They are the equivalent of Santa Claus, mythical beings deciding if a child's behavior warrants gifts. But unlike Santa they are actually a part of the story of the birth of Christ. Even in this Catholic post-religious country Los Reyes Magos remain very beloved figures. Catholicism has become like Judaism for many people, the observation is more cultural than religious. It was more gratifying than playing Santa in the US might have been-- the whole Santa's not black thing, but Balthazar is-- and people who would usually render me invisible in the situation looked me in the face, some despite themselves, smiling they took the flier.

Some of my favorite things:

• the old ladies who would tell me conspiritorilly that I was their favorite Rey, which has me wondering if people's favorite king is at all affected by who Franco's favorite king was, or if, in general favoring Balthazar was a small personal form of resistance for people growing up under the dictatorship, especially among the Catalans
• the old lady who demanded a kiss because I had no candy
• the way that people would weave through us to get the pamphlet from their favored king
• the babies who stared at us--from me the same look would say, 'what's up with these guys? Don't they have any idea what they look like?'
• the children who screamed and waved from across streets, cars and trains
• the children who called 'me' out by name
• the children who gave me letters, but especially the letter from Sara, who came running up the street with her older sister as we were disappearing one evening. I waited for her, and it was totally worthwhile. Every other letter was a list of toys and electronic letters. She actually wrote a letter that began: I'm Sara. I belive I have behaved well all year, even though I have made my mother angry sometimes. But I have asked for her forgiveness. She goes on to ask for a doll that pees, and, if I want, I can bring her games because the kids she plays with don't have any. She makes me want to reproduce.
• when kids would speak to me in Catalan, and their parents, seeing the confused look on my face, would repeat in Catalan
  
• the bartender who gave us the 'Reyes special' when we sought shelter from the storm
• my fellow kings. Despite the special circumstances, it will always kinda suck handing out fliers on the cold day
• I didn't have to wear a fake beard or wig

My least favorite things:

• being called 'el negro', the black one, but to a great degree that's just me being a black American. They don't mean anything, they're not being insensitive, necesarrily. They refered to my fellow kings as 'el rubio', and 'el blanco', the red one and the white one, referencing the color of their hair, but still...At least I didn't see any kings in blackface
• the children who cried
• the children who ran
• the people who acted like we were handing out bags of dog shit
• the drunken adults demanding candy
• every adult demanding candy, except the sweet old lady (see above)
• the security guards who kept throwing us out of places, only to later apologize and invite us back in

I'm glad it's over but it was an interesting experience dressing in costume to walk streets and shopping malls.