I Would SO Do Him, in a Parallel Universe.

I have been kicking a term around in my head for a while without quite being able to define it: inappropriate crush. By that I don't mean people who cause mating desires on sight, or that you avoid when you're with your spouse. In a sense they are people that I admire or respect, but there's something more to it. My list of inappropriate crushes includes:

• Helen Thomas
• Stephen Colbert
• Rachel Maddow
• Paul Krugman
  
• Neil deGrasse Tyson

I don't reach out to any of these people when in need of sexual fantasy, thus the inappropriate, but I had trouble articulating what I meant by crush. I wrote to Rachel Maddow and warned that while I would never get drunk and hit on her at a party, I might turn into a giggly schoolgirl in her presence. But why not Mike Wallace, John Stewart, or Keith Olbermann (and it's not because of his enormous head, I have a big head, I feel affection for big heads). These three have also touched me, soothed me at times, with their ability to give form to my incoherent rage during the last administration, but there's more to it.

Watching Colbert verbally knife or jerk off a guest without changing expression, leaving the guest and the audience unsure which until reflection, leaves me breathing a little heavily. His performance at the correspondent's dinner made them seek the safety of a comedian I hadn't seen since the Love Boat, the following year. That's sexy. Rachel Maddow's ability to go from giggly to 'I will knife you' seriousness in a moment, without losing her cool or composure is simply hot. If you don't believe me, watch the interview with David Frum where he says people like her are the problem with politics and she makes it clear that he's a callow piece of shit, while remaining gracious.

And then it struck me after watching Neil deGrasse Tyson on the Daily Show. I have no desire to sleep with any of my inappropriate crushes, nor they me. However, if I was so inclined and they were, then I would. But it would never happen in this reality. So my inappropriate crushes are people who I admire and respect, and who touch me in that special way that is in no way sexual in this reality, but would be in a parallel 2nd conditional universe.

Tell me this doesn't make you say, "If we were both so inclined in a parallel universe I would do him."